tattler magazine

The past weekend marked my maiden visit to Las Vegas, and boy, was it hot. Like hot. Hotter than Singapore hot. Who knew? That the desert in summer time is hot. That heat could be that hot.

City of Sin indeed – everywhere you looked, there were avenues to explore your every deepest, darkest desire and the vice of your choice. The one thing that really hit me though, other than the heat that slapped you in the face everytime you ventured outdoors (I think that was why they invented casinos so we would all have an excuse to hide indoors) were the boobies – they didn’t hit me literally, thank god, because it would have hurt like hell – but there were boobies, everywhere on display, barely restrained by skin tight dresses. Mostly huge and fake and ergo my expectation of the great amount of pain to be assaulted with them. It seems like Vegas is the place to go to show off your assets, surgically enhanced or no. The most disturbing thing about this though, is that even the waitresses employed to pour you drinks were obliged to show them off in the standard issue hooker-esque work uniforms (think super tight, thigh high slits, plunging neckline) – even if they happened to be 60 year old, white-haired grannies, as many of them were. I kid you not. I don’t think I’ve seen that much mature cleavage in my entire life than in my 2 nights in Vegas.

And herein ends the discussion of boobies – and on to my intended subject.

If you’re like me, a Vegas-newbie, I’ve compiled some lessons you can take away from my virgin experience, some useful, some good-to-know and a cautionary tale that wags its finger disapprovingly at you, saying, That’s What You Get for Waking Up in Vegas.

1.Be nice and win over your dealers – and they may help you to win

Many of the dealers we encountered at the Blackjack tables were inscrutable Asian aunties, renowned for their superior mental calculating abilities and the ability to deal cards like kungfu masters throwing out flying daggers. Though stern and rather intimidating in appearance at first, some of them really helped a newbie like me along quite a bit – giving out tips and recommending if I should tap for more cards or not based on their own calculation of the odds. Remember to smile, thank them, or even bet on their behalf – their way of accepting tips – and they may deign to bestow upon you good luck and more coffers to line your pocket. A little display of table manners can go a long way.

Wrench yourself out of that seat even if you feel like you’re on a lucky streak, because more often than not, the feeling is just that – a feeling.

2. Have discipline

My travelling companion was regimental in his enforcement of this – set a target, achieve it, and walk away. Wrench yourself out of that seat even if you feel like you’re on a lucky streak, because more often than not, the feeling is just that – a feeling. A good rule of thumb for a beginner would be this: to bail when you’re 30% down or 50% up within an allotted time frame, say an hour or two. Give yourself concession for when you’re feeling more adventurous, a higher target for your winnings, for example, but always set a time for yourself so you can minimise your losses or walk away while you’re still on top.

3. Don’t bother with the slot machines

Did you know that casinos earn the most from the slot machines? It’s not even fun and you don’t get to do anything other than press a button and watch it suck up your money, while glancing woefully from time to time at a picture of some lucky winner purportedly walking away with $1,135,205 from slots and promising that, ‘The Next One Could Be You!’. The next one, chances are, is really not you. You will not be the next one because the odds of winning something from slots is even smaller than buying Toto (1 in about 5 million, btw). So have some fun and play cards instead! Blackjack is really, the simplest thing to play. Even I enjoyed it so I’m pretty sure anyone can too. If you just want to practise and start small – go to Sahara, a 50-something year old establishment from the original Strip, or any of the many smaller casinos where they allow bets as low as $1, before you hit the bigger glitzier joints, where bets can go up to $10000.

and lastly, a cautionary tale:

4. Party only with your good friends who will not ditch you at a stranger’s house

On our second day we encountered a stranded girl at the gas station, wearing last night’s clothes with a pair of basketball shorts that appeared not to be hers.  She was teary eyed and asked us if we could please, give her a lift home? It was already 6 p.m. and everyone else had turned her down, she said. We were a little wary of it being a scam and we would be ambushed and bungled into some unmarked van and robbed and hacked into little pieces but phew, it wasn’t. Yay, us.

Anyway, her phone had died and she had woken up in some stranger’s house after a hard night of partying utterly stranded and had not a clue where she was. Oops. Thus walking around aimlessly hoping for a free ride.

She told she had been with a bunch of friends but, hmm, donno where they are now. And then she clammed up. We gave her some water, fetched her to some random house she requested to be dropped off at, and that was that.