So, you want your Chanel bag, along with that irresistible party dress and YSL shoes. You’ve stared at those prized items through pristine glass windows, you know every curve and contour of those babies, and you’re close enough, almost close enough to just reach out to grab them. Alas, you find one thing standing in your way (other than those damn glass panels) – money. Yes, those trinkets look pretty, oh so pretty, but they are sadly, way too expensive!

Figuring that you will need to work hard for the next six months just to afford one of the three objects of your heart’s desire, you turn your back on them and relegate these dreams to where they belong – into the box in your mind marked ‘Fantasies’.

But wait! There’s hope: do not discount yourself yet. You have been dreaming for way too long. Is it not time to put a plan into action to materialize that image you have of yourself sashaying down the boulevard in your alluring new outfit with a stunning handbag in tow? You might think that the job is too tough for a girl-next-door like you and I am not going to lie; it’s really not a walk in the park. In fact, soliciting the envy of others does require some work and planning. But fret not, that is what I’m here for! Over the next few paragraphs, I will guide you, step-by-step, on how to make your money work, and snag that Chanel bag right off the shelf.

Money is not worth living for, love is; which is why we love money to make living easier.

STEP 1: KNOW THY EXPENDITURE

Before we start, I need to ask you the following set of critical questions: just how much would you sacrifice to get that Chanel bag? Would you be willing to watch one less movie in the theater per month for the next six years, take one less long vacation per year and learn how to cook and eat at home more often? Herein is the key: desire. How much do you want it? If you want it bad enough, then read on. If not, go back to the store and stare at the Chanel bag for a couple more weekends. Like every other worthy pursuit in life, living a life of glamour takes courage and passion. Without passion to achieve, no plans or goals as noble as Susan Boyle’s makeover can be accomplished.

Okay, so you are still reading. I suppose you have convinced yourself that the Chanel bag is really worth your trying to manage money and not be managed by it. Good! So let’s start. First, you want to calculate how much you spend per month. I know, it’s a real pain in the neck. Why bother counting when spending without a care is much more fun? Besides, you’d really prefer not to know how much you’re really spending. And for some, following that line of thought seems to lead inevitably to a dilution of morals – who knows how knowing how desperately broke you are will tempt you into committing evil? So nope, you say, you’d rather not think about it. So you lie to yourself and say something deep and distracting like, nah, money is not the most important thing, love is.

Oh but I do not disagree about the whole love bit, in fact, and I’m sure you’ll find yourself nodding along, I would really love to have a little more money to make living easier. Now, this does not mean you should cheat, steal or rob some poor old lady out of her life savings. It just means that money is important. And since we are all dignified people (or so we wish to be), we will manage and grow our own money tree that bears Chanel bag fruits. Bottom line is that money is not evil and to manage it the first step is to calculate how much you spend on any given month. Also, denial here would not help. Simply pinching pennies and scrimping like crazy to convince yourself that you are thrifty is a Houdini act and serves no purpose but to hone that nifty little trick called Self-Delusion.

You do not necessarily have to do the work. Pay your little nephew a few bucks to have him check on you every night for a week to help you put together a list of items and their costs. After a week, tally them up for a Eureka! moment. Then take this number and multiply by four to find an average month’s spending. See, that was not so hard.

Save for a rainy day because after you drench your bag in the rain, you’d want to buy another.

STEP 2: SAVE UP!

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Now that you have an idea of how much you spend every month, you need to create your own safety net just in case of a weird thing called the vicissitude of life. Life has a way of, pardon my french, pissing on you when you are wearing your most fabulous outfit and toting that ostrich skin bag. To be able to put your bag up to the sky to shield your head rather than to hide it underneath your dress to save it from the rain, you will need to save for a rainy day. With enough savings and purchasing power, you can throw the bag right into the garbage can and go out and buy another one that same evening. Without enough savings, you will be staying up all night trying to dry your precious bag to bring back its luxurious buttery leather sheen in vain.

A penny a day helps you shop on eBay

So, how much do you need? Typically, the required amount of savings is the sum of about four to six average months of spending. There are reasons like nasty diseases and ill fated accidents behind the conjecture of that sum but for now, let’s just keep things simple. The sum is chosen because it is the amount of salary you need to buy another bag after throwing away the first. To accumulate the sum, put away some money each month. Watch a movie at home, play more mahjong, learn yummy dishes to impress a boy rather than watch that extra movie, go on a shopping spree and dine at French restaurants with their many forks that you have no idea how to use. Learn the French fine dining ways online while on a “sabbatical” and return with a vengeance somewhere down the road.

Investing money is not for everyone, which is why you’ll want to date a successful hedge fund manager.

STEP 3: INVEST!

Okay, so now you are Miss Independent, you have your nest egg and can buy yourself nice things but what to do with the rest of the money that is flowing into the nest? You do not spend it all, oh no you don’t! You invest it. With the stock market at historical low, now is the time to put your money where it can grow on its own without you busting your gut after it. The stock market is selling off its clothes and possessions at more than 30% off and a sharp shopper will always seize chances like this.

However, investing is not for everyone. The market is like a psychotic business man that quotes prices all over the place. What seasoned investors have learned is to make Mr. Market their servant by taking low prices and selling them at higher ones back to him. But the ride can be nerve wrecking, especially when you have no idea what you are doing. So, what can we do? Well, this is your pretext to ask for that cute boy’s number in the bar. If he turns out to be a hedge fund manager who is decently successful, you want to order him on a higher priority because he would be able to help put your money with the pros. And that’s where your excess money should be parked – the pros. These are men and women who live, breathe and dream of investing to make money grow 24/7 and unless you can do the same 25/8, there’s really no argument against it.

If the hedge fund boy is doing well and making you money too, spend the returns and marry him

BACK-UP STEP: MARRY HIM

So let’s see. You have your own savings and have put X amount of money with the new hedge fund boy. A true test of his character and personality will be how well he invests while still staying honest to you. If he does well and gives you more than X amount in approximately a year or two without lying and putting you through a Ponzi scheme like Bernie Madoff (in case you don’t know what that is, let Cookie Monster enlighten you) then you should by all means spend the extras to reward your hard work in saving and ability to pick out a capable boy. But make sure to return the X amount to the hedge fund boy first before you spend a dime. This will help finance your shopping spree next year. If you can bear to go without having a shopping spree this year, then give the hedge fund boy the full sum he made for you, because the next year he will hopefully return you even more and then, not only can you buy the Chanel bag, but also the Marchesa dress and YSL shoes. And perhaps after all this, he’s already won your complete trust, then you might want to marry him. After all, he’s not a bad catch if he is so productive.

A bag, a dress, fabulous shoes AND a good man. Now that’s what I call a happy ending.